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BUBBA’S PSYCHIC HOTLINE

Every time I turn on television there is an advertisement for a psychic hotline. You don’t have to be much of a psychic to figure out somebody’s making a pile of money. Usually the ads have several women sitting on a couch laughing and having a great time. A caller hears that she loves animals and they all seem amazed. That reminds me, have you ever seen a male psychic? Seems to me that they are all women. Maybe, with the exception of Bubba, women are just more sensitive or should I say supersensory?

This may be all new to you, but not for me. Many years ago three of us decided to do exactly the same thing in a magazine. That’s right, we advertised in a magazine that “Twig” would answer three questions for the measly sum of $3, and people sent us money. They asked about taking a trip or if their business would be successful. We tried to give them honest and sensible answers, but I have always wondered about people who would mail cash money to an unknown individual named “Twig”. Anyway, it’s a good bet that these same people will call the ‘Bubba Hotline’.

What I mostly don’t understand is why people get excited when a psychic tells them they are in love or that they like dogs. I mean the callers already know that. Why would I pay somebody by the minute to tell me that I am 10 pounds overweight, getting grey and before you know it will have to start cutting my grass. If I’m gonna pay a psychic by the minute I want to hear stuff that I don’t already know. That’s where the Bubba Psychic Hotline comes in.

Bubba won’t tell you anything about yourself that you already know. He won’t tell you that you fell off the boat yesterday while fishing or that your mobile home leaks. He won’t tell you that the longest you have been able to hold down a job is three weeks. He won’t tell you anything that you could hear down at the Cut ‘N Curl. You know that stuff. What Bubba will tell you is what’s gonna happen in 5, 10 or 15 years. Now that’s stuff you don’t know.

Bubba has got a lot of credentials in this field. In the first place he already has a telephone and can remember his number except on some Friday and all Saturday nights. Since he doesn’t have a job, he’s home a lot of the time. Of course it might be better not to call too late at night. The boys have been known to down a brew or two. He always answers the phone, “Bubba here, whatcha want?” Perfect for the Bubba psychic hotline.

Bubba once predicted that he would pass sixth grade. Sure enough three years later he did. Twice he predicted that his pick up would be repossessed and darn if it didn’t happen. Bubba has often predicted that he wouldn’t be able to get a date. Course that’s not a real toughie. Bubba couldn’t get a date to an all you can eat bar-b-que with Alan Jackson as the guest of honor. But trust me, Bubba is the man for this venture.

The first thing we need to get is one of those celebrity spokespersons. You know, somebody who once had a career but now doesn’t even have a line of skin care to hawk on QVC. I can’t think of anybody right off, but there are people who keep a list of them for just such opportunities.

The ad will be shot out at Bubba’s trailer. First we’ll throw a sheet over the couch Bubba picked up just ahead of Waste Management and then put Bubba and our almost celebrity on it. Then Bubba will say something like, “Somebody in your family is going to get a promotion.” The caller will be amazed and exclaim, “Oh my goodness, I bet it will be Momma down at the Chicken Hut. That’s wonderful.”

All those “Twig” folks out there are sure to call Bubba. The really great thing about using Bubba is that he is mobile. I mean, he lives in a mobile home for goodness sake. He never seems to pay the rent more than once or twice and this necessitates frequent moves. So it is pretty near a certainty that long before it is time for any of his predictions to come true, he will have moved to parts unknown.

Wait, I’m getting something here, have you ever thought of changing jobs? I thought so. Amazing isn’t it?

©JACK KEAN 1998

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